In today’s tense political climate, finding a way to have respectful, productive conversations about politics can feel nearly impossible. While conflict is an inevitable part of life, the principles of “Fair Fighting” can offer a framework for navigating difficult discussions maturely and effectively. The core of fair fighting is a willingness to demonstrate respect, even when the other person makes it difficult.
When approaching political discussions, these are some basic truths to keep in mind:
Your Behavior is Your Choice: No matter how frustrating a political discussion becomes, you are responsible for your own words and actions. If you’re not sure you can keep your cool, maybe it’s not worth engaging in a discussion.
Misinformation is the True Enemy: False information and inaccurate assumptions are often at the root of modern political conflict. Before jumping in, be sure you’ve asked enough questions, checked your own facts, and truly listened to the other person’s perspective.
Empathy Diffuses Tension: Simply listening to and validating what someone else is feeling—even if you disagree with why they feel it—can make a political debate much less heated.
Feelings Can Be Different but Valid: Trying to “win” a political argument by criticizing the other person’s feelings is immature. People can have different, yet equally valid, emotional reactions to the same political issue.
Compromise is Possible Without Consensus: Demanding agreement on an issue isn’t necessary before we can start looking for solutions. It’s possible to find common ground even while still disagreeing on a particular problem. That’s how compromise works.
If you feel ready to dive in, here are some tips for keeping political conversations civil and productive:
Read the Room: What feels like a friendly debate to you might feel incredibly tense to someone else. If things start getting heated or someone is visibly uncomfortable, it’s probably best to drop it. Unless you’re a politician, maintaining peaceful relationships is usually a higher priority than “winning” an argument.
Stay On Topic: Ensure that you both agree on the issue you’re discussing and try your best to stay on track. Don’t try to change the subject or bring up tangential issues that will distract from the original topic. When you pile on multiple issues, the likelihood of having a productive conversation drastically decreases.
Listen Well and Ask Questions: Outwardly show that you’re engaged when the other person is talking. If you hear something that sparks your anger, ask for clarification and more details before you react. This communicates respect, prevents escalation, and minimizes the risk of miscommunication.
Speak For Yourself: Avoid making statements about what the other person (or political party) believes or wants. You can only speak for your own thoughts and intentions. This will reduce the risk of making incorrect assumptions and provoking defensiveness.
Recognize Emotional Drivers: Even when we do our best to base our opinions on facts, most people have big emotions tied to their political beliefs. When you hear the other person express feelings related to their argument, take a moment to reflect that you can see how important this feels to them even if you don’t agree with their reasoning. Empathy always de-escalates conflict and reminds both of you of your shared humanity.
Don’t Make it Personal: Focus on the problem itself, not the person you’re talking to. Never use insults or make broad statements about what the other person (or political party) cares about. As soon as a debate turns personal, the conversation is no longer respectful and likely won’t yield any useful results.
Don’t Bulldoze: Don’t monopolize the conversation by talking non-stop, interrupting, shouting, or dismissing the other person’s concerns. If the other person doesn’t have an equal chance to speak and be heard, you’re proving that you don’t think their opinions matter as much as yours.
Don’t Misrepresent: It’s never helpful to exaggerate or discount the facts in order to “win” the argument. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that almost always provokes anger and defensiveness from the other person. If misrepresentation is your best tactic, you may need to rethink the validity of your stance.
Validate Sound Arguments: If the other person makes a valid point, acknowledge it. Refusing to concede on anything is immature and communicates that you’re not engaging in good faith. Remember that it’s unrealistic that you are completely right and the other person is completely wrong.
Be Open to Softening Your View: The entire point of having conversations about our political differences is to promote movement towards change. If you’re not willing to budge on your views, it’s unrealistic to expect that from the other person. As you wrap up the conversation, consider if there’s anything you’ve learned that has shifted your perspective even a little bit.
Empathy and Objectivity
Empathy and objectivity are two of the hardest things for us to access in disagreements, but they’re a crucial part of finding compromise. It’s in our collective best interest to build our capacity for empathy and practice viewing things from different perspectives. Before diving into a political debate, these are some questions you can ask yourself to intentionally cultivate empathy and objectivity.
What’s the main issue I want to discuss? Can I commit to staying on topic without piling on a list of other issues?
What’s my main goal for this discussion? Is that realistic and productive?
What questions do I need to ask before I present my argument? Is there information I’m missing that might be important to learn about first?
Am I genuinely hoping to understand the other person’s perspective or do I just want them to hear mine? Is that realistic and productive?
How would this issue look from the other person’s perspective?
Am I willing to respect the other person’s right to think and feel differently than me?
What do I want my tone of voice and body language to communicate in this discussion?
How will I know if it’s time to drop this discussion? How can I communicate that respectfully?
Anna Clark Miller, LPC-S, LMHC-S, is an author, trainer, and a licensed counselor practicing in Texas, Oregon, and Washington. She specializes in recovery from religious trauma, spiritual abuse, and cults, and is herself a survivor of high control religion. Anna wrote The Religious Trauma Survival Guide, a book for survivors who are looking for practical recovery tools, and she provides training for mental health professionals working with religious trauma survivors.
