A critical part of growing and learning as humans is distinguishing between our beliefs (what we think), our behaviors (what we do), and our identities (who we are). Making this distinction can keep us from getting trapped in immature worldviews and habits by allowing us to change without feeling humiliated by it. As an added perk, it’s also one of our best defenses against toxic shame.

What’s the difference between beliefs, behaviors, and identity?

Beliefs are the subjective opinions we hold based on the limited information we currently have available. These opinions are not considered “fact” because of their subjective nature, but if we let them, they can become cornerstones of our worldview.

Behaviors are the choices we make and actions we take based on our beliefs. These actions are external, however, so they don’t fully speak for us. Both our beliefs and behaviors can, and should, change when we learn new information and have new experiences. 

Identity is made up of the enduring traits and core values that we choose to embrace and embody. Once our identity is established, our beliefs and behaviors typically evolve to align with it. While beliefs and behaviors shift and change, our identity is where we choose to drop our anchor.

Why is this differentiation so important? 

Like me, you may have been taught as a child that your actions represent your character. You may even have been told that your behaviors define who you are. While based on good intentions, that perspective is completely backward. If we assume that changing our minds or adjusting our behaviors indicates a core flaw in our identity, we will resist change at all costs. 

But changing our beliefs and behaviors as we grow is incredibly important. It frees us to learn and adapt to our circumstances without fear. When we think flexibly, test our theories, make mistakes and learn from them, we shouldn’t have to feel like we’re humiliating ourselves or showing weakness. 

Alternatively, if realizing we were mistaken reflected something about our actual identity, we would view any flexibility as a sign of weakness. That framework would trap us in beliefs and behavioral patterns that don’t represent our authentic selves. What we think or do, at one single point in time, can’t possibly be who we are. If that were the case, we’d all be doomed to “badness” from the very first time we made a regrettable decision. 

Fortunately, if we don’t like the impact that our current beliefs and behaviors have on the world (and ourselves), we can change them to be more representative of who we actually are. We’re free to shift towards beliefs and behaviors that reflect who we want to become, knowing that there’s a good chance we’ll learn even more and make more adjustments in future.

What are the signs of confusing identity, beliefs, and behaviors?

Clearly, it’s crucial that we learn how to recognize when we’re confusing our beliefs and behaviors with our identity. In my experience, there are three maladaptive (unhelpful) patterns that tend to show up when we don’t differentiate these important parts of ourselves. Fortunately for us, we can learn how to identify and avoid these three traps through intentional self-reflection.

1) Rigid Thinking

The first trap of confusing beliefs and behaviors with our identities is mental inflexibility. Rather than holding our opinions and routines loosely, rigid thinking makes us cling to our old assumptions for dear life. Often, this happens because we think that compromising or changing our minds would mean losing ourselves.

Sadly, many of us have been told in religious settings that this kind of mental stagnation is not only normal, but a sign of true faith. That kind of doctrine can cause us to elevate our subjective interpretations to an untouchable status. Once we decide that a belief can’t be questioned, we’re stuck. Long term, this makes it incredibly hard to learn, grow, or evolve in meaningful ways.

2) Defensiveness

The second trap we can fall into is fear and defensiveness. When we believe that our actions represent our identity, we have a very fragile sense of self that needs defending. If we make any mistakes or cause unintended harm, we feel instantly vulnerable, instinctively looking for ways to defend ourselves from judgment. 

If someone points out that we were wrong about an opinion or did something hurtful, it’s important to realize they aren’t criticizing who we are. If we don’t make that distinction, instead of taking that as a learning opportunity, we’ll feel like we’re being accused of being a bad person. In other words, we get defensive when we take feedback personally.

3) Shame 

The last and possibly most devastating trap we can fall into is shame. Tying our beliefs and behaviors to our identity makes it incredibly easy to sink into self-loathing because every regrettable choice we make appears to be proof of our fundamental inadequacy. We think, “If I were a better person, I wouldn’t have done that.” 

This perspective not only humiliates us but leaves us feeling powerless to make any kind of meaningful change. Shame tells us the lie that because our identity is shameful, our beliefs and behaviors will never be good enough to earn us love and acceptance. It undermines our confidence in our own worth and our ability to continue growing.

Is there hope for change?

Absolutely! We don’t need to stay trapped in rigid thinking, defensiveness, or shame. When we make mistakes or have regrets, we’re not doomed to humiliation or self-hatred. We can forgive ourselves, knowing that we’ve learned and changed. Our past actions don’t have to represent us forever. 

When someone teaches us something we didn’t already know, there’s no need to fight to defend our intelligence or good intentions. We can make space for that new information and decide how to incorporate it into our worldview. Our old beliefs and behaviors don’t define who we are. Learning, growing, and evolving allows us to become a more authentic version of ourselves.

If you’re on the precipice of a big shift in your worldview, don’t let fear and shame keep you trapped in your old ways of thinking. Embracing your freedom to break out of unhelpful beliefs can be surprisingly empowering. You’re capable of changing without losing yourself. You’re free to choose your beliefs and behaviors based on the things you know now.