BREAKING NEWS

While President Donald Trump failed to send the National Guard to defend the Capitol during the January 6 riots in 2021, today he realized something that shocked even him.

“I really thought it was Nancy Pelosi’s job to send in the National Guard,” said Trump. “But, this morning I called her to ask her to send in the National Guard so we could do what needed to be done, and she said it was my job, not hers. All this time, I thought it was her job, and now I realize that I’m the President, not her, so, that makes a lot of sense.”

The President also admitted that he only recently discovered that his ass was not the same as a hole in the ground. “No one was more shocked than I was, believe me,” he said. “My ass is pretty big, and I’ve been carrying it around a long time, so when I saw this big hole in the ground I asked one of the Secret Service guys, Jerry, I said, ‘Hey, is that my ass?’ and he said, ‘No sir, that’s a hole in the ground.’ Wow. That’s one smart guy. Tough guy, too. I gave him a raise.”

After today’s press conference, the Pedophile President told reporters that he’s sorry it took him so long to realize how important it was to use his emergency powers as President to respond to violent crime in the nation’s capital, adding, “Have you forgotten about the Epstein files yet?”

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