BREAKING NEWS: A Federal Court blocked President Trump’s order restricting birthright citizenship and certified a nationwide class, protecting the citizenship rights of all children born on U.S. soil to foreign parents, like every single one of his own children.

After throwing a bottle of ketchup against the wall of the Oval office, Trump responded to reporters who broke the news to him saying, “It’s sad, really. All of my children will now have to stay here in America with the rest of us. I can’t even deport Melania, and she really hates me. What a nasty woman.”

First Lady Melania Trump said she was relieved that she and her son, Baron, would not be deported to one of the newly constructed concentration camps. “We were hopeful that the courts would rule in our favor,” she said. “Today I am proud to be an American citizen and very relieved that my son and I will not lose our rights to remain here in this great country.”

Don Jr. and Eric were both relieved to hear the news and held a brief press conference where they released this statement: “We never thought our Dad was serious about stripping away our birthright citizenship, and we’re so glad that Biden’s attempt to split up our family has failed. America First!”

Ivanka Trump was not available for comment, but she did post a comment on her Instagram page in response to today’s court ruling, saying, “Daddy knows that Jared and I have a beautiful home in Dubai, so whatever happens we’ll be just fine.”

Also celebrating today were millions of legal residents and naturalized American citizens who, in spite of their lack of trust funds, luxury condos and investment portfolios, were spared unnecessary arrest and deportation at the hands of Trump’s ICE agents who were the most disappointed in today’s ruling.

As one anonymous ICE officer told this reporter, “We’ll get them either way. It’s not like anyone can stop us from rounding up brown and black people and shipping them to foreign prisons. The Federal Court system is a joke and everyone knows it. We’ll just keep doing what we’re doing until someone stops us.”

It’s unclear whether the Supreme Court will overrule today’s Federal Court ruling, but U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi said that she will do everything in her power to help Trump deport the rest of his family members, even if it means stripping birthright citizenship from everyone else in America. “Whatever Trump says is true, so if he believes the First Lady and his own children should be deported, no Federal Judge has the right to say otherwise. Melania, Ivanka, Don Jr. and Eric better watch their ass!”

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