Relationships are all about choices. If you want to mend a relationship—because it’s a relationship that means something to you and you choose to use your energy that way—this column has tips to help you in your journey.

Don’t allow the other person to define the relationship by default. You can choose how to respond if you have new tools. A relationship is like an equation: A + B = C. A is you. B is the other person. C is the relationship.

So, you—by yourself—can change the relationship. It doesn’t totally depend on the other person; you can do it alone. If you change, the relationship will change. It may not change the other person, but it changes the relationship.

If you stop participating in an argument, the argument stops—that’s the avoid option that many choose. Alternatively, if you start applying the techniques in this column, the person has a choice of how to respond.

This is a brand-new way to apply these ideas. Therapists don’t know how to deal with this. We need different tools, and I’m hopeful that we can learn them. That’s why I keep working on how to apply what experts from various fields say about interpersonal relationships.