As I have been working ideas for how to bridge the political divide, I realize that we need to be realistic in our expectations. We can’t expect to succeed the first time we try, because change is hard. Most people who set New Year’s resolutions never meet them. It takes practice and determination to enact change in your life. It takes time to change ourselves. And it will take practice to be able to become proficient in anything new you do. I’ve had people tell me they tried making changes and it didn’t work, but that was just their first time. It takes practice.

I love the following paradigm to help understand where I am in my personal transformation. I’ve been using this for decades and it has helped me. The stages are these:

1. Unconscious incompetence: This is where you have a normal way to do something, and you don’t realize that it isn’t working. You don’t know any different.
2. Conscious incompetence: Once you become aware that what you are doing isn’t the best thing for you, but you keep doing it. Often people at this stage make comments like, “I don’t know why I keep doing that.” People often are frustrated by their own behavior at this stage.
3. Conscious competence: After a while at stage 2, you may finally try something new. It’s easier if you have been practicing with safe people or if you have seen other people model the new behavior because it gives you more courage. This stage takes bravery and willingness to make a mistake. This stage feels awkward. You need to make a conscious choice every time, and there might be times when you don’t do it, where you fall back into your old habits. A phrase I have heard people use to encourage those in this stage is, “Fake it till you make it.”
4. Unconscious competence: Once you have practiced at stage 3, it will start to become automatic, something you don’t need to think about every time. You have developed a new habit. This is the final stage. Congratulations!

Once we have made that transformation, we might start to see changes in the relationship. But usually changes in a relationship will be gradual. In the first conversation, perhaps not much will be different. But if you continue to implement the ideas in this book, over time, your situation and your holiday dinners will probably change.

A personal note: I have applied these ideas in my life and seen changes in my relationships. Changing the way I talk to people does change the relationship. Remember A + B = C.

I was inspired by the story of Black musician Daryl Davis, whose motivation was to understand why people would hate people they didn’t know, purely because they had a different skin color. After Davis’s wary initial meeting with the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, they gradually developed a cordial relationship. They each went to the other’s house; the Wizard attended some of Daryl’s jazz concerts, and Daryl attended Ku Klux Klan rallies.

As he tells it, at the rallies and in their conversations, some of the ideas he agreed with, some he didn’t. Over time, the relationship expanded. Eventually, the Imperial Wizard left the KKK. Slowly, the conversations Daryl has had and the relationships he has developed have led over 200 KKK members to abandon their membership.

All it took was Daryl Davis being willing to start some uncomfortable relationships and listen. But it didn’t happen overnight, or in one conversation.

We can’t expect to mend a relationship the first time we try. Actually, the first time we try, we might fail totally. That’s because it takes practice and repetition. Will your first Thanksgiving applying these ideas be peaceful?  Perhaps not, but maybe the next holiday will.