I’ve been collecting stories about relationships that have had the fabric of their lives torn by political polarization. The relationships affected range from parents and adult children to siblings, in-laws, coworkers, neighbors, and long-time friends.

The issues aren’t just politics (“If you vote for X, I will never talk to you again in my life!”), they include vaccination, masks, gay rights, Black Lives Matter, trans rights and so on. You could say these are the current culture wars.

I’ve been affected by this myself. A few years ago, I visited my childless aunt, Aunt Dot, my last living relative of that generation. She said something critical about immigration with her immigrant caregiver sitting in the same room. I told her she was rude and walked out. I didn’t call her, and she didn’t call me. I was mad about how insensitive she was, but more than that, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what else to do. I never saw her again. She died about eighteen months later. That’s a tear in the fabric of my life.

Right before the 2020 election, a woman posted in a conservative Facebook group a picture of a text she got from her daughter, a lesbian. In the text, her daughter says she won’t talk to her mother again if the mother votes for Trump. The reason the daughter gives to try to persuade her mother is because Trump is going to make it so the daughter can’t get healthcare. The mother didn’t believe what her daughter said about healthcare, so she made a copy of the text to a Facebook group that supports her, which dismisses her daughter’s concern. It ended in the people in the Facebook group offering to pray for her daughter. The mom has effectively substituted the faceless people in this Facebook group for her daughter.

TIP: Ultimatums don’t work. In fact, they can backfire.

These stories are all around us. I read a story of a woman who emailed her contact list a news story she was passionate about and got an email back from her sister-in-law that said: “WE. ARE. DONE.” Then there’s the man who told his parents they couldn’t see their grandchildren until they took down a sign promoting their favorite candidate. And, of course, there are legions of stories of people who unfriended or even blocked old friends on Facebook or other social media because of differences in politics.

During the pandemic, there were weddings and funerals that people agonized over whether to go to because they knew that other relatives wouldn’t be wearing masks. Now that we have vaccines, relatives are hiding their vaccine status because they don’t want to be attacked or get into an argument. I know one person who stopped talking to her mother because the mother had been pressuring her to get a COVID vaccine. Her mother was distraught, and she didn’t know what to do. She wanted a relationship with her daughter more than anything, but she was afraid of COVID. She was stuck.

Then there are relatives, friends, or acquaintances who make homophobic, racist, or misogynistic statements. Weddings have been disrupted because of comments by mothers-in-law, friends, or other relatives about who should be invited, who should be in the wedding party, and what the seating arrangements should be. An example: the future mother-in-law doesn’t want the partner of the bride’s best friend to be invited because they are married to someone of the same sex. Another: The groom’s best friend has made racist comments about the bride’s maid of honor, who is of another race, and the bride doesn’t want the friend at the wedding.

I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

No wonder we can’t have peaceful holidays! We need new ideas, new skills, new tools. Follow my column for some ideas.