Tallahassee, FL— In a move critics are calling “peak Florida,” Governor Ron DeSantis announced today that the Florida Department of Health will eliminate rabies vaccine mandates for dogs, citing unverified claims that the vaccine causes erratic behavior in canines.

“This is about freedom, plain and simple,” DeSantis declared at a press conference outside the Governor’s Mansion, where he was flanked by several Labradors in red MAGA handkerchiefs. “Dogs deserve the right to make their own health decisions. They can do their own research, talk it over with their families, and make the best choice for themselves. We’re not going to let Big Vet tell our pets what to do.”

The governor cited “multiple studies on Facebook” suggesting a correlation between rabies shots and troubling canine behaviors. “I’ve seen the videos,” DeSantis continued. “Dogs chasing their tails endlessly, staring at the wall, ignoring commands. It’s heartbreaking. Florida won’t stand for it.

Supporters cheered the decision, with one local pug owner shouting, “My dog, my choice!” while holding a sign that read FREEDOM OVER FETCH.

Not all Floridians seemed concerned. Daisy, a 3-year-old border collie interviewed outside a Tallahassee dog park, shrugged off the controversy. “Look, I couldn’t care less about mandates,” she said while dropping a slobbery tennis ball at the reporter’s feet. “I’m just here to play fetch. Throw the goddamn thing already.”

Veterinarians, meanwhile, have expressed alarm at a recent uptick in dogs showing irrational fear of water, a symptom consistent with rabies. “We’ve had cases of golden retrievers refusing to go near sprinklers, labs trembling at the sight of a kiddie pool,” said Dr. Angela Ruiz, a Tallahassee vet. “One dachshund barked at a puddle for three hours straight.”

Still, DeSantis remained undeterred. “The government has no business forcing shots on our four-legged friends,” he insisted. “This is Florida, not Fauci’s dog pound. And I’ll tell you right now that we’re not going to let the radical left inject woke ideology into man’s best friend.”

The Florida legislature is expected to fast-track the bill, which also includes provisions for “religious exemptions” for households that believe rabies is a hoax.

Meanwhile, reports of foaming at the mouth in several counties are being dismissed by officials as “probably allergies.”

If this resource spoke to you—if it made you feel seen, challenged, or just a little less alone in a world slipping further into authoritarianism—please consider becoming a paid subscriber to The Quollective. We’re not backed by billionaires or corporate sponsors. We’re funded by people like you. People who believe in truth-telling, justice, and the power of art and intellect to fight back.

Your monthly or yearly subscription helps us amplify the voices that white Christian nationalism wants to silence—historians, journalists, queer and Black creators, poets, satirists, and ex-theologians who know this beast from the inside.

If you believe in what we’re doing, don’t just read. Stand with us. [Subscribe now.]