The Fake & Fraudulent Prophets Around the President
September 4, 2026 |
Daniel Henderson
Back in 2016, Donald Trump told us the truth:
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters.”
At the time, the media laughed. Critics scoffed. And yet here we are—several felony indictments, one sexual assault verdict, and a parade of moral grotesqueries later—and Trump is still the undisputed champion of The National League of Bullshittery. Again.
So maybe it’s time we take that quote a little more seriously.
What if we tested it? What if we really leaned in? Not just some rando “somebody” on Fifth Avenue, but what about you? Your kids? Jesus Christ himself?
Below are 24 scenarios, all modeled after the original quote. Your job is to determine how many of these would actually make MAGA voters turn on their orange savior.
You ready?
Place your bets.
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot your mother… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and sexually assault your daughter… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and throw your father in front of oncoming traffic… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and call your wife ugly in front of America… and not lose any voters (including Ted Cruz).”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and light your son’s baseball team on fire… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and fondle a baby on national television… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and grab your genitals while laughing about it… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and re-crucify Jesus Christ for being too woke… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and kick a puppy into oncoming traffic… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and defecate on your grandparents’ graves… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and nuke Chicago because someone called me a loser… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and punch Taylor Swift in the throat… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and confess to fantasizing about Ivanka’s body while filming The Apprentice 2… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and drone strike Sesame Street… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and personally waterboard your best friend… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and curb-stomp a refugee child… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and sell Alaska to Putin for a cheeseburger… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and execute a BLM protester live on Truth Social… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and livestream an orgy with Matt Gaetz and underage girls… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and declare myself God, replacing the Bible with my tweets… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and bulldoze your hometown to build a golf course… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot a bald eagle with a golden AR-15… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and mock your children as weak, stupid, and un-American… and not lose any voters.”
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and send your pastor to Guantanamo Bay for preaching that Jesus loves immigrants… and not lose any voters.”
Over/Under: 0.005 voter defections
Odds Trump loses support: +3000
Odds Trump gains support: -9000
Odds you’re depressed now: LOCK
So what’s your prediction? How many of these would actually cause MAGA to jump ship?
Spoiler: The answer is probably somewhere between zero and absolutely fucking zero.
Because the truth behind the truth is this:
Trump didn’t just say it.
He meant it.
And America—God help us—believed him.
