El Paso, TX — In a development theologians are calling “the biggest mea culpa in salvation history,” Jesus Christ has returned to Earth—specifically to the United States—and immediately issued a formal apology for apparently botching his first visit.

“Yeah, I really screwed that one up,” Christ told a crowd of reporters gathered outside a Buc-ee’s in West Texas. “All that stuff I said about loving your enemies, turning the other cheek, helping immigrants, feeding the poor… it was misguided. Obviously, American Christianity has shown me a better way.”

According to multiple eyewitnesses, Jesus then pulled a red, white, and blue pocket New Testament from his robe and waved it like a rally prop. “The Sermon on the Mount? Forget about it. The real gospel is strong borders, tax cuts for billionaires, and making sure no bakery ever has to sell a cake to a gay couple.”

Leaders of the Southern Baptist Convention hailed Christ’s repentance as “a long-overdue correction.” Sean Feuct praised the move, saying, “It takes real humility for the Son of God to admit he was wrong. He’s finally aligning with the values of the Founding Fathers: guns, property rights, and keeping the wrong kinds of people out.”

Fox News host Laura Ingraham devoted an entire monologue to the return, stating, “This proves what we’ve always said: Jesus wasn’t a socialist hippie after all. He just needed to see the shining city on a hill—El Paso, Texas—to understand freedom.”

When asked how his new theology squares with his former teachings on welcoming strangers, Christ shrugged. “Look, when I said, ‘I was a stranger and you welcomed me,’ I didn’t mean illegal strangers. That should have been obvious.”

Donald Trump praised the second coming as “probably the best comeback in history, maybe ever,” before adding: “He’s learned from me, folks. I told him, don’t waste time with losers, immigrants, and criminals. Worry about the important things—like strong borders, winning elections, and keeping America great. He’s finally on the right team. And when I get to heaven for being a war hero, it’ll be tremendous. Everyone says so.”

That comment prompted a reporter to ask Jesus directly: “In light of Donald Trump’s recent revelation about wanting to get to heaven before he dies, can you comment on the requirements for entry?”

Jesus smiled and shook his head. “Look, Donald’s friend Jeff is there, so anyone who isn’t woke can get there. Jeff’s actually running the largest youth program in heaven right now, so I’m pretty sure Donald will be just fine.”

Christ then concluded his remarks by announcing his new career path: “As a sign of true repentance, I’ve joined ICE. Effective immediately, I’ll be stationed here on the border, making sure no one sneaks into the Kingdom without proper paperwork.”

The announcement drew thunderous applause from local church groups, one of whom unfurled a banner reading: “Finally, Our Kind of Christ.”

He then climbed into a Border Patrol SUV and drove off toward the fence line.

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