Washington, DC—In a shocking but somehow completely predictable twist, a coalition of MAGA-aligned Christians have launched a nationwide prayer initiative demanding that God resurrect the late financier and convicted sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein so he can serve as Donald Trump’s potential running mate in 2028.

Dubbed “The Lazarus Initiative,” the movement claims biblical precedent for their request. Organizers cite both the resurrection of Jesus and the raising of Lazarus as “clear and compelling evidence” that the Lord wants to give Epstein “a second chance, this time, in Washington.”

“If God can raise His only begotten Son, and Lazarus, why not Jeffrey?” asked Trump 2024 Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt at a Wednesday presser. “Epstein had a strong economic mind, he knew powerful people, and he knew how to keep secrets. With God, all things are possible.”

Sean Hannity dedicated an entire segment to the resurrection campaign on Fox News, saying, “I mean, folks, this is a nation of forgiveness. Jesus was crucified. Epstein was suicided. Coincidence? You tell me.” He then held up a leather-bound King James Bible and asked viewers to “lay hands on their television screens” and “speak life into Jeff.”

While critics across the political spectrum expressed confusion and horror, MAGA leaders remained undeterred. Trump himself was asked by a “fake news” CNN reporter, “If Epstein returns, will the Epstein files finally be released?”

Trump, who was playing golf at a course he now claims is built on “biblical soil,” responded:

“We’ll look into it. Maybe in two weeks. Maybe sooner. I hear they’re interesting files, so we’ll see.”

The campaign’s website features a countdown clock to Easter 2026, the target date for Epstein’s “reawakening.” A commemorative red baseball cap emblazoned with “MAKE EPSTEIN ALIVE AGAIN” is already sold out in select counties in Texas and Florida.

Evangelical leaders remain divided, though many have expressed private excitement over what one anonymous megachurch pastor called “a solid spiritual upgrade from Mike Pence.”

When asked if Trump believes God will actually answer these prayers, Leavitt clutched her giant cross and gasped before clarifying:

“President Trump doesn’t believe in failure. He believes in winning. What a stupid question from a stupid person!”

Stay tuned for more on this story, probably in two weeks.