WASHINGTON, DC — In a move one aide described as “bold, gutsy, and prototypical Trump,” Donald J. Trump has announced Ghislaine Maxwell as his vice presidential pick for 2028.

“Look, folks,” Trump told reporters while polishing his newly received and totally invented FIFA peace prize, “Ghislaine has shown incredible leadership over the years. Really tremendous leadership. She knows how to deal with powerful people—and trust me, that’s exactly what the White House needs in the coming decade.”

Campaign advisors say Maxwell’s experience managing elite social networks will translate into appealing to female voters, especially those who appreciate someone who can, as one advisor put it, “stay calm under pressure, even when the spotlight’s really, really hot.”

When asked how she’ll help with women’s issues, a campaign rep said: “Women want someone who knows how to handle scrutiny. And heat. And intense public attention. That’s leadership.”

Critics quickly pointed out that Maxwell is currently serving a federal sentence for serious sex and trafficking crimes. Trump supporters responded with enthusiasm: “She’s tough! She survived the Democratic hoax known as the Epstein files—that’s the resilience America needs!”